Parenting Blog for Malaysia Parents

Child Psychologist Lim Eng Leong shares with ANITA MATTHEWS how his frustration over not being able to help students in the classroom led him to a higher calling in life.

PSYCHOLOGIST Lim Eng Leong remembers his late father’s advice well. “My father always said that in whatever we do, we must do it to the best of our ability and pursue it to the highest,” recalled the 42-year-old former secondary school teacher.

Lim Eng Leong was motivated to specialise in child psychology after numerous encounters with children with problems during his 10 years teaching in secondary schools in rural Selangor. Coming from a middle class family, Kuala Lumpur-born Lim could have easily followed his father into the legal world but opted to teach upon receiving his bachelor’s degree from Universiti Sains Malaysia in 1984.

He spent 10 memorable years teaching at secondary schools in rural parts of Selangor and a stint at a Petaling Jaya suburb. Yet Lim felt he was not doing enough. “As a teacher, my responsibility was to deliver the curriculum and I was limited by what I could do. But students have all sorts of problems.

One day, I found one of my students crying and after some persuasion discovered that his mother was ill and that had affected his studies. Though I managed to get him to concentrate on his work that day, I felt helpless. Another parent came to see me to find out how his son was coping with his studies as the boy did not talk to him at home. I found out that their problem dated back to his childhood.

Teenagers and even younger kids, face a lot of challenges in their growing years,” Lim revealed. Fuelled by frustration and a desire to help troubled children, Lim went on to pursue a Masters programme at the University of Auckland in New Zealand followed by a postgraduate diploma in psychology and eventually a Ph.D. “I evaluated my options and found NZ to be the most appealing as the education system here is similar to the one back home,” he said.

Upon receiving his licence to practise in 1997, Lim decided to focus on child psychology owing to his previous encounters with troubled children. He recently completed his doctorate in cognitive psychology, focussing on how children acquire problem-solving skills, especially in the area of numbers.

As one of the four registered Asian psychologists in New Zealand, Lim has the singular distinction of being the only Asian psychologist here who is working with children.

Not confined to the classroom

As a child psychologist and team leader at Kelston Intervention Centre in West Auckland, Lim devotes much of his time to working with children with behavioural and learning problems.

“My work is not confined to the school environment. We act as an interface between schools, parents, paediatricians, health authorities and occupational therapists to solve problems faced by children. It is multi-agency work involving multi-disciplinary teams.

” As a psychologist, Lim’s job is to find a solution. He is happiest if he has identified underlying issues to the particular problem affecting a child and has worked hard to achieve a positive outcome. He has also learnt to be emotionally uninvolved and maintains a professional distance on the job. “It is hard to listen without being emotionally affected. I have to draw the line and not take work home.”

Although he concurred that there are differences between Kiwi and Malaysian cultures, he pointed out that many of the problems faced by children in both societies were similar – for instance, children from broken homes and those who have been abused transcend cultures.

“What teenagers here go through is very similar to what Malaysian teens go through.” He added that parenting is the same across any geography with those who stay ahead with available literature on parenting techniques and others who simply don’t know how to deal with a disobedient child. These could even be well-read professionals who are busy or fighting their own demons.

“On the other extreme are dysfunctional families with children that have undergone more than normal folks have in a lifetime. These children are often left to fend for themselves in the streets,” he added. The difference, he said, is the upbringing, the environment and how problems are addressed.

According to Lim, Kiwi children value their independence and most leave home at a relatively young age. Malaysian parents do their best to keep their children home for as long as possible or at least until they get married.

Cultivating relationships

Lim’s advice to parents when children show odd behaviour is to seek professional help to work through the issues as there are many factors that affect a child’s behaviour. He pointed out that punishing a child works in the short term but not in the long run in correcting bad behaviour.

“If you smack them as children, it might help the immediate situation but over time, this sort of punishment loses its effect and the scary thing is that you might find that you have to start hitting harder and harder. What happens when they grow up?

One day, when they are bigger, they might hit back.” Lim’s advice to Malaysian parents is to train their children when they are young on how to make the right choices.

“From my observation, many children in Malaysia are consistently told what to do when they are young. Unfortunately for some of them, when they grow up and get their first taste of freedom, they can’t handle it because they have not learnt how to make decisions for themselves.

So when they are faced with options, they don’t know how to make the right choice,” he said. Lim speaks from experience, having dealt with many teenage Asian students at high schools and Auckland University who went out of control once away from their families simply because there is no longer anyone to tell them what to do. How does one teach a child to be responsible? It is not difficult, said Lim. Start as early as possible.

Parents can begin by allowing their six-and-seven-year-olds to choose what they want to wear and if they make the wrong choice by dressing inappropriately like wearing a sweater on a hot day, they will face the consequences of feeling sweaty.

“As soon as they can think for themselves, let them decide as long as there is no harm done. They will learn the natural consequences for not having listened as in the case of dressing inappropriately.

” Parents can also teach children about managing money wisely by allowing them to spend within a certain range and limit the choices to five items. This, he added, helps them to think about how to make the right choices and shapes future decision making, especially in teenage life.

Lim added that once a child reaches the teenage years, chances are they are unlikely to listen to parents and prefer the company of friends or opinions of the media. “Parents have only a limited number of years to establish a relationship with their kids.If you don’t engage them when they are young, it will be difficult to do so when they are older.”

While he concedes that most parents are busiest when their children are younger, Lim believes that quality time pays off. But take heart, parents still can relate to their teenagers.“Parents would have to work to get involved in the teenagers’ lives and do the things they do.” And Lim does practice what he preaches in helping troubled children.

Married with two sons and a daughter, Lim spends a lot of time nurturing his relationship with his children in shared outdoor activities. Is returning to Malaysia on the cards for Lim?

“That is a tough question and something I always ask myself and think of often. I miss my family and support of an extended family.”

Source: AllMalaysia.info